December 22, 1981 at 1 am in the morning I woke my husband up to tell him we were going to have a baby, just two hours later I did. Brian Eugene Farmer came in at 7lbs 13oz.Today he would have been 35 years old. Today is the 10 anniversary of the day he went to heaven. Today I’m grieving the loss of my child.
Grieving The Loss of My Child
No words can describe just how I feel, loss, anger, regret, and relief. I’m grieving the loss of my child. My son was the first grandchild in our family and he had ADHD. He was spoiled by his grandparents, they didn’t understand just what it was like to live with such a hyper child and would over indulge him. He should have been put on some kind of medication but I would have no part of it. I fought with the schools about it all the time. I knew how to help him when he was home. Why did he have to be medicated when he went to school? You have to remember the medication back in the 80’s was just starting out and most of them were damaging kids minds at the time.
I feel Regret
Regret…I should have homeschooled him like I did my youngest son. But playing that game of shoulda, coulda will not bring him back to me. It only makes me a mess in the head. My youngest can’t remember any of that, the phone calls in the middle of the night when he was all strung out on drugs crying to me. Then calling me cursing me out the next time.
I Feel Sadness
Brian was such a funny child, he always made me laugh, he was such a likeable kid, he could win anyone over with his charm and good looks. He was also a very good liar and lied about everything, even the littlest things. He would have been a good actor or comedian, I was going to send him to a comedian school.
I feel Angry
But he didn’t like rules and moved out of our house when he was 18 with hate in his heart. We were never close again. He moved from one house to another. Stealing from one grandmother to another. Drugs ruled his life, he couldn’t hold a job and was arrested for stealing food and was going to go to jail very soon over it.
I received his wallet in the mail twice, he never changed his mailing address from our house. He stole checks from everyone and even got a loan in our name, which I didn’t even know about until we got a loan for our house.
He died accidentally from a toxic combination of drugs and sniffing a can of computer cleaner to get high. It killed him instantly. He was alone with his cat.
I feel Loss
I remember him as a baby, as a funny kid always making me laugh so hard I would almost pee in my pants. The kid was so funny! I think of all the things he missed already. His brother getting married was the worst, him not being there.
I Feel Relief
How can I even say that?! But that’s how I feel. Brian had such a hard time with everything all his life. Life was just too much for him. I remember every time I turned on the vacuum he would go crazy, running around the house like a madman. Noise it turns out really mess with him, his mind was always moving from one thing to the next. He couldn’t cope on his on and made terrible choices when he got into his teens. In the end he was even threatening at times. I feel like he is at peace now. I’m not, but he is and I’m thankful for that.
I feel Grief
We had a home business to run. I had to make all the arrangements by myself. Hubs had to hold down our business, we couldn’t take much time off, we needed the money too bad. We raised live bait and they take constant care. I will never as long as I live forget about picking out a casket for him by myself. I broke down in that little casket room and fell on the floor crying. I just couldn’t do it. My Dad was my rock and he was there with me. Holding me up. I pray to God that no Mother should have to go through the loss of a child.
It’s been an uphill battle for me. I’ve had to take several crying breaks just writing this little bit about Brian. This is the very first time I’ve written about it. I feel that I should have written a whole lot more and it would have helped me heal better than keeping this all inside for 10 years. Let the healing begin. You can read more about me Here.
I can tell you want to know if the grief ever gets any better? Yes after all this time I don’t think of him every second of the day or even every hour. But not a day goes by that I don’t think about him.
Today I’m grieving the loss of my child